What are Tim O'Brien's personal desires in "On the Rainy River" in The Things They Carried?

Near the opening of the story, O'Brien confesses that this is a narrative he has carried secretly for more than twenty years, and, by telling it now, he hopes "to relieve at least some of the pressure on my dreams." The burden of his shame over his reluctance to serve and his near-decision to dodge the draft has long weighted heavy on him, and he is finally ready to release it. He also wishes to forgive himself for—in his mind—being a coward and only going to war for fear of embarrassment.
In the story, O'Brien explains that he wanted to understand the reasons behind the Vietnam War; the politics surrounding it seemed too murky for him to risk his life. He wanted to be seen as a moral hero for dodging the draft. He wished for a deferment or the ability to avoid the draft as a conscientious objector.
He explains that he wanted to make a run for the border to Canada, and he wanted to be able to do it without disappointing his parents or the people in his close-knit town; he wanted them to understand his reasons for not wanting to go to Vietnam. He also wanted to be able to do it without legal repercussions.
By writing the story, he explains that he did it in part to process the complicated emotions that he has surrounding his decisions.